Markets & Business Editor
IPOs, mergers, and the eternal question of whether this changes everything
Evelyn spent twelve years on Wall Street before realizing she was better at describing money than making it. She can explain a SPAC in one sentence and a market correction in three, though economists dispute the order should be reversed. Her inbox contains 400 unread press releases from fintech companies, each promising to "democratize" something that was already democratic.
Sovereign Trust is auditing employee strides using laser-level depth gauges to comply with the corporate self-help text 'The Silent Oar.'
The National Aerospace Administration has postponed its landmark Aether-9 mission to Saturn’s moon Titan after triggering an automated administrative freeze.
Apex Global Logistics has introduced a proprietary compliance system requiring formal managerial approval before employees can experience professional…
Negotiations for the Indo-Pacific Maritime Treaty dissolved in Geneva after delegates failed to reach a consensus on the structural flow of the lunch buffet.
Meridian Air has overhauled its frequent flyer program to reward passengers for "high-engagement cabin behaviors" like early gate crowding and seat-recline…
A new study reveals that millions of American tourists arriving in the Southern Hemisphere during July are genuinely shocked and angered to find it is winter.
A growing number of parents are abandoning traditional discipline in favor of structured legal negotiations and binding contracts drafted by corporate…
Columbus-based Veritas Coffee Roasters has overhauled its beverage sizes, replacing fluid ounces with increasingly grandiose metaphysical concepts.
The Federal Space Agency has canceled its upcoming mission to Jupiter’s icy moon after an automated system flagged a $42.18 overage on dry-erase markers.
A comprehensive consumer behavior study has concluded that shoppers purchase blue dish soap primarily because of its physical proximity to sponges.
San Francisco-based startup Ajar has raised $14 million to resolve the social anxiety of holding doors for moderately distant strangers.
San Francisco-based software firm Veloce has unveiled the Aura, an enterprise-grade sensor designed to resolve the social ambiguity of meeting endings.
A regional dental practice has introduced "hygiene remediation protocols," requiring patients who lie about flossing to sign formal corrective action plans.
An Ohio grocery shopper was detained by an automated checkout terminal after his scanning velocity fell below the store's contractually implied productivity…
Boston law firm Sterling & Croft LLP has introduced 'Cognitive Billing,' using biometric bands to charge clients for attorneys' background thoughts.
A Virginia real estate listing has triggered a massive bidding war by reframing severe structural defects and code violations as high-concept design choices.
An Ohio homeowner’s insurance claim for kitchen water damage was denied under a 179-year-old policy exemption originally written for steam-packet explosions.
A high-level multilateral summit in Geneva collapsed on Tuesday following an intractable diplomatic dispute over the official starch served at working lunches.
A regional dental network in Ohio has launched a smart-floss tracking initiative to eliminate patient dishonesty and enforce daily compliance.
A London auction house is taking legal action to recover a grey plastic office wastebasket that was accidentally sold to a private collector for £3.6 million.