RIVERDALE, FICTIONAL STADIUM — The Riverdale Otters fell to the Westbrook Walruses 3-1 Saturday in a game that head coach Terry "T-Bone" Bonesteak described as "a masterclass in the ball going where we didn't want it."
"We had a solid game plan," Bonesteak told reporters while staring at a whiteboard covered in X's and O's and one large question mark. "Step one: get the ball. Step two: put the ball in their area. Step three: don't let them do the same thing to us. We nailed step one."
Star midfielder Cody "The Foot" Footerson scored the Otters' lone goal in the 23rd minute before spending the remaining 67 minutes "chasing the ball in a manner that suggested he'd never seen one before."
Team owner Vivian Puckett announced no personnel changes but confirmed the team will invest heavily in "directional ball awareness training."
The Otters' next game is against the Ball, which they are favored to lose.